Butterfly
by Ananke
Summary: Response to the 'Butterfly Kisses' challenge. Based around the song. AU. Tom Paris reflects on daughter Linnis.


_Personal log, Tom Paris, Christmas Eve, 2377_

There's two things I know for sure…she was sent here from heaven, and she's daddy's little girl. 

When I dropped to my knees by her bed tonight, I had to close my eyes for a second. It's been a long time since I believed in anything remotely divine, but looking at that delicate, peaceful little face of hers, topped by those mesmerizing Ocampan ears and halo of blond hair, I found myself doing something I never expected to do again after Lanna died…I thanked God for all of the joy in my life, but most of all, for...

The things I realize I've taken for granted. With so much fighting and so much work, it's been easy to miss my daughter growing up. There are a lot of things we haven't done in far too long…butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer, taking shore leave and going on a stroll, sticking little white flowers all up in her hair. God, she used to love it when Kes and I did that, turned her into some May Queen. I wonder if she still does…

There was one planet, a month or two back. Chakotay practically ordered me off the ship and planet side, of course in the guise of playing messenger, since it was the only way I'd go. I walked into that bizarre alien carnival tent, and nearly had a heart attack…Kes was standing off in a corner, eyes brighter than I'd seen them in a while, lit with happiness, and on the center stage Linnis was astride a beast that looked more lion than Terran horse to me, and just as mean…but she loved it. I'd never heard her laugh so much or so freely. And she only lit up more when she caught sight of me, shouting across the tent. 

"Walk beside the pony, Daddy, it's my first ride!"

Kes' arms encircled my chest briefly, and she smiled again, nodding towards the impatient cavalry soldier. Swallowing my apprehension, I went and grabbed the rein, steadying my daughter with a hand on her dust and candy streaked knee. We walked. And had to practically be dragged back to Voyager when dusk fell.

Only a few days after that came my birthday. I thought I had passed the day without anyone noticing…Kes was off ship at the time, and I didn't figure anyone else would remember. On my way off shift I stopped by the mess, intending to grab a few snacks for Linnis to have overnight. I should have known it when the lights refused to come on…but being tired and being Tom, I went on back behind the counter. Up pixie leapt, along with Naomi Wildman, Neelix, and a dozen others. I _swear_ I saw Tuvok in the mix. He denies it to this day. After the initial screaming and singing was done, Linnis shrugged out of my grip and scooted off around a corner, coming back with a monstrosity of a cake that was half as tall as she was and…well, dangerously slanting.

She was beautiful, dancing around until Harry and I took pity and relieved her of the weight, voice small and breathless. "I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, but I sure tried."

I knew then that with all that I've done wrong, I must have done something right.

And today…it was Linnis' equivalent to sweet sixteen today. She's looking like her mama a little more every day, and fast changing on other levels as well. In fact, she'd be mad as all hell if she had caught me by her bedside, watching her sleep…she's one part woman, the other part girl. My girl, going to perfume and makeup, from ribbons and curls. I know she's already stronger than I ever remember being at that age…bless Kes…and set on trying her wings out in what to her is still a great big world. But I remember butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer, and sticking little white flowers all up in her hair.

This afternoon after the party had died down I caught her on Harry's arm. Or maybe I should say I caught him, he was the one shaking, and she didn't seem at all perturbed. I let him off with a glare and grabbed her arm, intending to pull her off down the corridor with her mother and I, but she planted those tiny heels in and shook my hug off, stepping right back to his side, tones icy and royal. "You know how much I love you, Daddy…but if you don't mind, I'm only going to kiss you goodnight on the cheek this time, stay a while. I'll see you and Mother later."

And it ended there, her and Harry bouncing out of the room like I was a stodgy old miser to be avoided. I almost called security, but Kes grabbed my arms and just laughed until I had to laugh along. "She's grown up, Tom." The woman I love above all else advised me, nestling her head on my shoulder. "And you and I deserve time alone this evening…time to take in the joy and agony of surviving it all."

She snuck back in about midnight. Kes was already asleep, curled around my side like a kitten, her hair tangled across my arm and her face. She looked so young, and restful, and I felt anything but. I couldn't have gotten a wink if I had tried. Not that I did. I heard Linnis when she stumbled around in the living area and was just about to get up when the door cracked open and a padd flew in, thudding on the carpeted floor. It had a simple chastisement. _I'm home._ _Nothing happened. You can go to sleep now, Daddy._

With all that I've done wrong, I _must_ have done something right, to deserve her love every morning.

And butterfly kisses at night.

_Log Addendum, __March 29, 2378_

I've really taken it all for granted, the precious time I had with my daughter…more than a little like the wind, years are going by. I never expected it all to happen so fast in my heart of hearts, all biological evidence and Ocampan experience aside.

I'm holding a padd as I record in this one…a simple message Kes wanted me to see before she inserted it in the hope chest sitting by Linnis' bedroom door, almost fully packed. Kes…she knows better than anyone, I guess, and her message has brought me to tears more than once today.

_Precious butterfly…spread your wings and fly._

_Mother and Daddy_

Linnis Paris, our butterfly. She'll change her name today, make a promise, and I'll give her away. Just a few minutes more, she's almost ready…just a few minutes ago, standing in the bride room just staring at her, I broke.

She asked me what I was thinking, and all I could think of at first was such a simple lie. "I'm not sure."

But it was more, and knowing me as well as she does she put her hand on my arm, eyes encouraging me to go on. It all came down then, the fears and the frustrations and the thousand tangible joys we've suffered together, and that Kes and I have suffered so that she'd never experience them, and that Harry will suffer for her now, gladly.

"I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl." I admitted, and then pixie leaned over...and gave me...butterfly kisses, with her mama there, sticking little white flowers all up in her hair. Her voice was soft, tearful, but strong and confident.  "Walk me down the aisle, Daddy, it's just about time. Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don't cry."

God, she can't begin to imagine how I'm going to cry.

I know I've got to let her go, but I'll always remember every hug in the morning, and butterfly kisses...

_End log._


End file.
